Why do I feel I should write an entry in the diary? I could write one, but what would be the motivation?

As I look more closely, I see a concern at what others might think; “Why does she have a diary if she never writes in it?” “No point looking at that page, there’s still the same entry from a month ago!”……….. Better get on and do something, then!

So, another task has been set, another target which has to be lived up to! And the source of these expectations? – this over-busy mind with its continuous succession of thoughts and over-creative imagination about how things are supposed to be.

Rather than write an entry I think it is time to stop all the words, and rather to sit in quiet meditation; to reflect on avidya , the ignorance which prevents us seeing things as they really are; raga (attachment), asmita (ego), dvesa (refusal) and abhinivesa (fear),...all described so clearly by T K V Desikachar in his book, ‘The Heart of Yoga”.

The week ahead has no teaching commitments; this is a time to stop the chatter, a time to watch with real attention and trust in a greater wisdom perhaps than this mind can or needs to fathom.

5:28 PM

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This Christmas I have had a longer break than usual from teaching, in order to play a bigger role as mother and grandmother. My daughter Lucy and her husband Jeff, together with their 15-month old daughter Isobel, were awaiting the arrival of Spike, Lucy’s baby bump. He finally arrived on New Year’s Eve, and was officially named Oliver Francis Chilberto. All is well.

Lucy and Jeff had asked me if I would assist them at the home-birth. Initially I was quite speechless, as it was something I had never anticipated, and I had no idea how I felt about it. As the day grew closer, I felt anxiety, excitement, inadequacy, a desire to get myself and everyone else organized, (I have always had a strong bossy gene), and occasionally something close to panic.

The phone call finally came at 1.15am on 31^st December, and I gathered up the ready- packed bag, car keys, purse and mobile phone, and was in Banbury by 3am. This was already a first: I have never driven alone through the night on almost deserted roads, and felt like someone on a ‘great escape’, except that there was no escaping from this challenge.

In the last few months Lucy has been attending yoga classes in Banbury at the Spice Ball Leisure Centre in Banbury with Val Davies. She had clearly found an experienced and excellent teacher. Immediately her labour took hold, it became clear that she was ready to use her breath to work with the pain, and that she had no fears about moving her body just as it asked her too.

As my personal preparation, I had read Sheila Kitzinger’s latest book on pregnancy and childbirth, spoken with and taken advice from yoga teacher Marion Symes [marion.symes@ntlworld.com], and listened to the CD Yoga Birth 1 from the Sitaram Partnership [purchased through Yogamatters.com]. And, despite all the activity of Christmas and the arrival of other grandparents from California, I had of course tried to keep up with my own practice…. lots of alternatives necessary on this front, but more of that another time!

My instinct during the labour was to stay closely in touch with Lucy’s breath and to mirror it with my own, easing out the long exhalation as much as possible, helping her to soften the muscles in her face and neck, panting with her, groaning with her, and when her strength and confidence began to ebb just before the birth itself, reminding her that she ‘could do it’ I probably sounded more like a sports coach than a yoga practitioner at this stage! Jeff and I also did a good line in frozen peas, frozen towels and ice packs regularly supplied from the freezer for her painful back.

And all through the experience there was that wonderful balance which Yoga shows us, waiting to be experienced again. Yes, you do have to push, yes you are working harder than you have ever worked in your life, and yet something is also telling you it is still possible to let go and to allow as well. This particular labour had several lulls, right up to the end; wonderful moments to completely let go, to wait, trust that the next surge will come when it is ready… and it certainly did!

When the midwife put the baby’s clothes on the radiator in readiness, it seemed strangely incongruous and irrelevant; perhaps I yet had to believe that a new person was about to be born. And how did I feel as he was born? Wide-eyed wonderment, even astonishment, which seemed to be reflected in the eyes of mother and father as well.

The reactions of others to my being there has been just like my own initial reaction to being invited; strange, unusual, not 'what is done'. Now it feels to me like the most normal and natural thing in the world. Why should a woman be sent away to do this on her own or with strangers? Do we have the same taboo about birth as we do about death? If we can embrace it more, will we be able to see and experience, (without the cloud of fear and ignorance), a greater reality than the one we cling to for most of our lives?

Congratulations, Lucy, Jeff and Isobel, and welcome to Spike (or is it Oliver?)!

4:36 PM

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I have been reading and reflecting on impermanence for a few weeks.

It is the nature of being, and yet we resist, fearing the acknowlegement that the physical body, being a part of a greater universe, an unfathomable design, is also impermanent. And yet something remains which is permanent. It cannot be measured in time, but it is always there. It is.

And in a strange way the simple realities of my daily life have been a regular reminder of this. The schedule which I had for the week slips and slides; things happen which seem out of my control; I even forget an appointment with a student. Try as we will to keep our lives in control, to plan, predict, feel safe and secure, it is not in our nature to always have the finger on the button. Sometimes, having done our best, and having good intentions, we simply have to let go. The momentum continues; sometimes we just try too hard to get it all 'right'.

Working in the standing postures, there is always the fine balance between allowing the feet to take their place on the floor and let go into the pull of gravity, and yet still having the intention to stretch, strengthen, energise the body with breath and movement.

In relaxation trying to take control of the practice is fruitless; the body knows how to relax, it is we in our minds who have trouble allowing this to happen. And working with the breath there is such a temptation to draw the breath in with our somewhat aggressive and determined will, rather than first to notice its autonomous movement and work with it in partnership. It does not need us; we need it.

12:43 PM

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The Breath

When are we most aware of the breath? Is it usually in more extreme circumstances, such as illness, panic, after strenuous physical activity, or when we want to perform an activity well, (swimming, singing, playing a musical instrument, needing to relax). How often have we heard the phrase: “Now, just take a deep breath”?

In recent months I have become yet more intrigued by the observation of breath and breathing patterns, and have reflected on the inter-relationship of these with patterns of behaviour, mental states and physical well-being.

Inspiration has most recently come from reading Donna Farhi’s “The Breathing Book”, [see Reading List] and from attending workshops with her in Edinburgh during May. Teachers inspired by Vanda Scaravelli have always encouraged a subtle awareness of the breath in relationship to the practice of the physical asanas. I have personally benefited from the teaching of John Stirk, Bill Wood and Sophy Hoare, and from reading Vanda Scaravelli’s book “Awakening the Spine” [see Reading List]

Retreats with Dr. Shrikrishna, (formerly director of the Kaivalydhama Institue in Mumbai) left me in no doubt as to the power of pranayama to affect one’s mental state and encourage a deeper level of consciousness. His medical work and that done by therapists from the Yoga Biomedical Trust in London have also demonstrated the power of breathing practices to heal and even cure some respiratory conditions.

In May and June, some students and I began to explore the breath in two workshops.
We observed how we breathe, noting whether we naturally use a deeper breath,( so obvious when we are young babies), or a shallow breath. In the former the primary muscles of respiration, the abdominal and intercostals, work fully with the respiratory diaphragm, and, as well as allowing a full inhalation and exhalation, also simultaneously give the internal organs, (intestinal as well as the heart) a natural therapeutic massage. In the latter, the secondary muscles in the upper chest and neck are predominant, the breath is shallow and the rest of the body is uninvolved, stagnant , and even tense.

Through various inquiries we began to recognize how emotional situations and our posture, can have a significant impact on how we breathe. We began to sense under which circumstances we feel more or less energized, relaxed, dull, lethargic,or tense.

So the question is this: Assuming we would like to feel more energized, less tense, less prone to infections and other illnesses, which needs to change; how we are, or how we breathe? My experience is that the two go hand in hand, and also that it takes time, motivation and patience. The rewards are there to have; no more uncontrollable panic attacks, better sleep patterns, fewer colds and quicker recovery time, an ability to ‘stand back’ more often, with less ‘rushing in and regretting later’. These are a few of my personal experiences. Do email with any of you own you might want to share.

1:57 PM

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A week ago I was heading towards Dorset, the car packed full with food and yoga ‘stuff’. The sun shone, the skies were clear blue, and, looking at the weather as I write today, it was almost symbolic of moving into a different space for a short while.

An entry in Krishnamurti’s last journal “Krishnamurti to Himself” (Wednesday May 4th, 1983) provoked the question:

If we let go of the struggle and the desire to achieve, to get somewhere, can we really be where we are right now (both mentally and physically)? Does that letting go create the space where we can begin, (however subtly and slowly), to free ourselves of tensions and inhibitions. Do we then move more freely, without frustrations, and without the stranglehold of this ego-centred target.

Of course struggling and striving can achieve and does achieve goals, but, when we are there, what then? Does the struggle simply begin again? Have we learned anything on the way, have we grown at all as human beings? Or has the fear of failing, of not reaching expectations been in the driving seat. And what impact does the latter have on our physical and mental well-being, on our relationship to ourselves, and to the rest of the world?

The four practical yoga sessions took us through various physical postures, into deeper breathing practices and meditation. There was quite a focus on the release of tension in the upper back between the shoulders. In breathing practices and throughout the asana practice, we encouraged a more intimate awareness of how the body breathes, how our minds, our attention, can stay with the breath and allow a real letting go at the end of the exhalation.

We were surrounded by some of the most beautiful landscape in southern England. The birds sang continuously, (swallows were seen), the sea shimmered before us, and Portland Bill rose mysteriously out of the haze in the distance. Walking along the tops of the cliffs, the breeze really did caress the skin.

As if all of this nourishment and succour from the natural environment were not enough, our resident cook kept our insides equally nourished with delicious food, and just the occasional little indulgence as a reward for our efforts…. Not that we anticipated or wanted the reward, of course!

Thanks to the wonderful group of people who joined me on this weekend!

The next weekend is scheduled for 24/25th July, 2004.

12:25 PM

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At the end of the last term, I was again reminded from student feedback that people can feel helpless and unsure when they try to enjoy their yoga outside of a class and without a teacher.

There are so many books, cassettes and videos most expertly produced by teachers with far more years of experience than I have, that, when I begin to prepare something for my own students, I am humbled and somewhat daunted by this fact.

However, I do realise that a simple reminder of ‘what we did in class’ can be helpful, so producing something has become my personal challenge for this year.

Writing out instructions is long and arduous. Reading a long text whilst looking at a picture and trying to get into a posture at the same time is challenging to say the least! So it is simple stick figures, I'm afraid. Art classes in return for yoga classes are definitely an option here!

To produce a visual reminder of which postures have been looked at, together with some suggestions about how to use them is the intention.

I hope that these practice sheets will be availbale at classes next week [beginning 5th January]

First principles

Where is the best place? – somewhere reasonably uncluttered, quiet, and preferably undisturbed.

When is the best time? – if it can be the same each day, great, but if not, just whenever a bit of space can be made.

Don’t start by being too precious about it, or by setting yourself unrealistic targets. Better to start with no expectations, simply an intention to sow a very small seed, nurture it, and watch it grow. Do not be hard on yourself for any reason! Changing lifetime habits, and dealing with reactions of others around you takes time.

To begin

1. Stay still at least for a minute and become aware of your surroundings.
2. Become aware of your physical body
3. Become aware of your breath.
4. Do some simple stretches with the breath
5. Ease out the spine

This is the beginning and is more important than anything that comes afterwards.

Postures can be divided into these groups.


Standing,
Balancing,
Back bending,
Inverting,
Sitting,
Twisting,
Relaxing


Short of time?

Do whatever you enjoy doing, depending on whether you are feeling tired or awake. Let your mood and your body dictate

Wanting a longer practice?

Work through the groups of postures in the above order, selecting at least two or three postures from each group.

Try to give the practice your full attention, and try not to do the postures too quickly. Of course, your mind will be distracted, just notice, and gently draw it back

As you begin to find a particularly interesting or challenging area, you might like to focus on it for few days, or weeks. In the longer classes, we have looked at a hip-opening sequence, a shoulder sequence, a standing flow, and the sun salute sequence.


Never forget savasana, relaxation pose at the end of the session. This is when the body absorbs what the practice has given it. It really is too easy to rush away, and on to the next thing.

1:24 PM

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As I review each class each week, look at what we have done, re-evaluate where this particular class is going, and what would be most appropriate for the next session etc. I remind myself:

Some people have not been able to make every class this term
Some people are joining this class for the first time: maybe just for one session, perhaps for longer.
Some people will have practised every day in a disciplined fashion since the last session, and be wanting to ‘move on’.
Some people will have had no or very little chance to practise, and be urgently needing reminders, reinforcement and encouragement


So what difference does regular practice and a real commitment to the class make to the experience and benefit of yoga? The answer is obvious; it makes an enormous difference and can have life-changing effects...... and it would make my job easier too!

But, how is it possible?

“Our rooms at home are all too small, and anyway there are husbands, wives, partners, children, cats and dogs, all with equal demands on the space available.”
“There just isn’t time: “
“I already have too much to fit in each day, and I went to yoga to relieve my stress, not to add to it.”
and......... “do I want my life changed anyway?”

If these responses are familiar to you, ask yourself this question: 'Do I like the experience of yoga?'
Then ask a second question: 'Am I truly at peace with myself and content with my life; with my relationships with other people, with my mental and physical well-being, with the general balance of all aspects of my life?'

If the answer is an emphatic ‘yes’ to both of those questions, then rejoice, and leave things exactly as they are.

But if a few niggling doubts arise in response to question two, then maybe it is time to consider giving the practice of yoga a bit more space in your life.

Try a few stretches on getting out of bed or the shower, perhaps when waiting for the kettle to boil; experiment with some different kneeling or sitting positions on the floor when watching the television or reading the paper.... be creative!

How do you stand when waiting for the train, how are you breathing when sitting on the train? How do you sit in the car, how do you breath when you are in a traffic jam?.

When your body aches and you start falling asleep over the computer, what do you do? Rush for another cup of coffee and get back to work as quickly as possible? Could you do some shoulder and arm stretches from the chair....or even consciously close your eyes and relax completely for five minutes, (even just for one or two). ........................... and then go for a coffee, that you are actually relaxed enough to enjoy!

Notice what habits your body has got into and recognise that you can alter them, even if it is in very small steps.

When you are ready, [and that may be in a short, or a very long time,] you will find that there is somewhere, if only occasionally, where you can have space to yourself, and where you can dedicate the time exclusively to a practice. The question as to what to do in that time needs a separate diary entry.

10:10 PM

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